Why I Don’t Have a Lot of Friends

So basically, I wrote this to tell you the truth, to help you understand and to prove a point. There is a reason for this, so there’s no need for any assumptions or judgments or misunderstandings.

As you guys can tell from the title and the mini opening paragraph, this blog is going to be pretty serious. For those of you reading this from school you’ll probably be like:

Nahhhh this ain’t true, I swear ES is pretty popular and has a lot of friends

It’s time people opened their eyes and actually saw what was going on. This is the story:

I’ve always been the child who was outgoing and extroverted and attracted a lot of friends and people. You would always see a smile on my face and I’ll always be very energetic. But that was when I was a little kid.

If you have been reading my previous blogs, you would know that I had a best friend for like 5 years through primary school called Fatima- obviously that wasn’t her real name but I have to use a code name for obvious reasons- and we were best friends. I was so rated because of how rated she was: she was so talented and amazeballs and friendly and awesome and we were a team.

A lot of people were friends with us and I felt so popular and rated. I believed that whether I was with my best friend or not, I would still have someone to spend time with since I had her and my other best friends: Naomi and Sharpay.

If you have read my blog: The Younger Years: Part II then you would know that one of my best friends Naomi left the school due to the fact that she moved to a house outside of the county causing her to come to school late because of the long journeys on the train in Year 3. I knew that it was going to be upsetting but I remembered that I still had my two other best friends Fatima and Sharpay.

However, when it came to Year 5, my friendship with Sharpay started to go sour. If you’ve read my blog The Younger Years: Part III then you would know that our friendship started to come to an end when she didn’t invite me to her 10th birthday party. Before you know it, we were having numerous arguments and we pretty much had to share Fatima between us without all hanging out together in a three. At that period of time, the worst thing I wanted to hear from Fatima was that she wanted to pick Sharpay over me.

The saddest thing that happened was when Fatima left the school altogether. She already warned us about her departure and that it was most likely going to happen. I was being hopeful and saying how it wasn’t going to happen but it did.

Gradually, I started to lose friends. I even had three people who I wanted to avoid because they just pissed me off. Even one of my friends who I’d been friends with since Nursery started to get rude so she was one of the three people I was avoiding. My new best friend replacement was ditching me for cooler people by the time Year 6 came. The only thing keeping me company was my table tennis: a sport I never knew I’d be so good at.

Secondary school came, I thought this was gonna be a new start for once. It was uneasy at first, I didn’t really feel like I belonged, but then I started playing table tennis again, and I kinda gained my confidence back. I was known by a lot of people in my year group and rated as well. I finally felt like I belonged.

Then there came a day when I got my English test back and I got 19/24 on both. I thought that wasn’t good enough for me and I could’ve gotten better. So, what I decided to do was to start reading in my break times instead of playing table tennis. I thought it was a good idea because it made me start paying more attention to my work and it gave me something to do during my breaks. However, it ruined my reputation.

People started to forget my name and who I was. They then started to make assumptions about me. I remember previously when I was still playing table tennis I asked myself:

If I didn’t decide to get involved more and play table tennis, would I be as popular, well- known and rated as I am now?

I thought I was never gonna go back to how it was. In my song, A New Year from my second album, A New Year © it says:

Are you gonna go back, gonna go back? No. Wanna go back, wanna go back? Never. You gonna go back, gonna go back? No. No!- A New Year from A New Year ©

But unfortunately, I went back to the how I was at the start of the year. A lonely, emotional girl still finding her place. I was still partially unrevealed. It says so in my song Still Inside.

Still to be revealed, maybe not as much. But this is real life, not bad luck- Still Inside from Nostalgia ©

I remember the day after I wrote To Be Revealed, it was a school open day and it was still the beginning of Year 7. I felt so friendless and left out that I ended up crying by the girls’ Science toilets and two of my friends (who are still my best friends and older sisters today) helped me feel better about my image. I then felt better and became a better person after that. The person who I was before they gave me those special, encouraging words resurrected and engulfed my soul. I went back to who I was before I realised I had proper friends. I was the lonely girl who didn’t know who she was.

It came to a few months after: in the new year. One of my friends had moved away to a far county and things changed in my form. I then got the news that people had thought bad things of me. If you have read my blog post: getting bullied in secondary school– then you would know that one of my form mates told me that a large majority of people in my year group thought that I was the ugliest person in the year and didn’t have friends. This put me down because I just hated their assumptions. Just because I was alone most of the time didn’t initially mean that I had no friends. Because I spent most of my time alone people believed I was an easy target because I had no one to back me up.

The real reason I don’t really have a lot of friends is because I don’t really feel like I belong anywhere. My song Two- Faced explains a lot. I kind of have two personalities- I’m like two different people. There’s one that is well- behaved and one of the nicest people you would ever meet, whereas there’s another that is violent and isn’t what she seems to be. I’m part of like two different cliques. However, whenever I spend time with both these types of people, I don’t fit in with them nor do I feel comfortable.

There are times when I feel like leaving the school because of how it’s like to be me in a great pool of people who are separated into different categories. I’m a combination of every clique yet I can’t fit in with any.

I hope anyone from school reading this understands why I’m like this. There’s no need to assume any more ideas about why I don’t have a lot of friends now that I’ve told you the truth.

I know this is a very emotional and a serious blog but it’s good to do one of these every once in a while.

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~ ES Ordinary xx