So it seems like every person has been somewhat bullied in at least one point in their lives. For me, it was when I was in the middle of Year 7: a very unexpected time. This is how it happened:
So it was an ordinary Monday in an ordinary week and in an ordinary Science lesson: nothing interesting was expected to happen. It was at that moment when one of my form mates, let’s call him Chuck for this, came up to me and began a convo which sentence started with: “A lot of people think…” and then quickly gave me a ‘don’t worry’, swiftly changing his mind. I started to contemplate a little on what the possible things maybe. I thought it would be something positive to be honest. But then came the next day…
It was in Geography which was my third period lesson, and Chuck sat near me in this subject. I thought of it as a good opportunity to ask him what he wanted to tell me yesterday:
Me: “Hey Chuck, what did you want to tell me yesterday?”
Chuck: “Ohhhh… yeah… well it might upset you,”
Me: “It’s cool, you can just tell me,”
That right there, was my big mistake. I could’ve said no but I had to be so curious didn’t I? Just taking the risk was like a key opening the dark gates of my insecurity; the negativity about my appearance and my reputation amongst others- with those few accepting words.
Chuck: “Ok, so a lot of people think that you’re the ugliest in the year and that you have no friends. Also, they said Page deserves better.”
Just to inform you, “Page”- that’s not his real name by the way- is my ex- boyfriend and I believe people still thought we were together at that point but we weren’t. When they said he deserved better, they basically implied that he deserved a prettier girlfriend.
You don’t understand how much this hurt me. It got me especially pissed to think that a type of person needs a girlfriend or boyfriend with a specific rank of beauty to properly match them. Page is a really sweet person and I know he deserves a girl who will treat him right as long as he does the same to her as well.
I asked Chuck which people thought this and he named a few people out of what he said 180 people in the year group which is 75%. These two people were “Zara” (you may have heard of her in my perks of not being a buffting in secondary school blog) and “Damien”.
I got seriously annoyed and upset all the way through Science and I decided to go to the learning mentors during that period since I really needed to be talked to by my therapist; let’s call her Jane.
Unfortunately, when I got there, I was told that Jane didn’t work on Tuesdays, to my dismay. However, they still allowed me to sit there and have some time to myself so during that time, I cried.
I cried about the fact that there were actually people who thought bad of me and thought they had the authority to downgrade me like that. I cried because my spots from puberty did make a big impact on my facial appearance. I cried because all these things happened after one of my friends left and a new person came in. I was asking myself, if she never left and he never came, would this have ever happened?
The next period was Spanish and I was feeling negative but not as weepy. My school brother- let’s call him Eric- supported me through it as well since he was then when I was told about it. Even when we were studying adjectives and the word, feo, meaning ugly came up, Eric said my name and then: “No feo” and I thanked him.
That day after school, my right- brained self burst out and to make myself feel better, I listened to some songs, drew a picture and wrote a new song for my 5th album, since for some reason I do those things whenever something happens. The two songs I remember banging out to are:
The next day…
I spent most of that day hating on Zara and Damien because of the things they said about me and since I don’t say bad words in real life, I was calling Zara a bad word in Spanish. (Guilty!) But I knew that day that I was going to go to the learning mentors to speak to Jane about what happened because I seriously needed some help and advice on how I could sort it out.
So during Maths, I excused myself to go to the learning mentors to go speak to Jane. I told her about the situation and she then gave the idea of having Zara, Damien and Chuck come and talk to us in the chapel nearby where the learning mentors was. I agreed with her and she had them come up to the chapel; and you don’t understand how nervous I was when she called me to the chapel from the learning mentors seating area. I remember while I was waiting for Zara, Damien and Chuck to come up, one of the girls in my year group- let’s call her Stacy- asked why I was there. I said because there was a specific incident which happened the day before. She asked me what particularly happened and I told her. She was very supportive about it and told me that I was actually pretty and I didn’t have to worry about them saying those things. Remember, even if people think bad of you, there will always be someone who thinks the opposite. So don’t be so hard on yourself all the time.
Finally, Jane called me to the chapel and my adrenaline rose to the heavens- no joke. I remember when I was entering, I overhead Zara saying: “But I don’t even know who she is!” This was obviously a lie because I remember two days before Christmas 2015 (I remember the date because I was buying food ingredients for Christmas), I saw her and some other fellow students in my year group and I remember her asking me whether I knew her. The funny thing is, she said my name as well. I feel like she just did it to avoid getting into trouble, even though she didn’t get into any trouble anyway. (Whoops, spoiler alert!) Let’s not go off subject and go back to where we left off.
So we sat down and Jane introduced herself and the situation which was going to be discussed about. Turned out to be that according to Chuck, I had gotten the wrong Zara and the wrong Damien as well!!!!!!! You don’t understand how stupid I felt. But they felt really happy that they weren’t getting into any possible trouble. So Jane then spoke between Chuck and I saying stuff that I don’t remember too vividly but just stuff about how people wouldn’t like being told stuff which will get them down and stuff like that.
I was then sent to lunch and I ate my sandwich outside, alone as usual. I still felt upset because the real Zara and Damien were actually people who were closer to me as well. Because the “bait” Zara- as everyone likes to call her- isn’t my friend and neither is that Damien. This Zara is actually someone who was one of my friends in Year 7 but now in Year 8 we’re really close and I like to call her my auntie (love her so much!) and the other Damien actually went to my primary school and I’ve known him since reception. To hear that they were the two who actually said those things really upset me.
So after I ate my lunch, I brought the two of them to the learning mentors to talk with Jane. It took us a while to find her but we did in the end. The funny thing is that it also turned out to be that they didn’t say those things about me either. So we decided to bury it.
However, I still will remember that time when I was told what people thought of me. But I know it will never bring me down again.
~ES Ordinary xx
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.